Jason Konieczka

 Jason Robert Xander Callornius Petunia Burgandy "Nitschke" Konieczka is a North American born hockey player who is currently under contract with the Flapjacks franchise, but also owns his own team Queef Stroganoff of the South Hills. Jason, or JRXCPB"N"K for short, is not only a F/C for the Jacks, but also the teams PR rep, team heart throb, emototional leader, has the best hair, fuck you Grindel, and was voted "most likely to shoot from anywhere" 3 years in a row, beating teammate Grant Perkins by a narrow margin. Konieczka was a late addition to the Flapjacks roster in the 2011 season after long time buddy Mike "The Fuckin Truth" Pacolay asked team ownership to offer him a 1 year deal to which the financial terms were never disclosed. After playing out the length of his contract, ownership offered Nitschke a 32 year deal worth $729 million with $728.5 million guaranteed making him the highest paid player in franchise history at the time.(until the signing of Evan and Ryan Cvejkus to lifetime deals worth $1.8 bil/year) Jason's tenure with the Jacks has seen multiple teammate scoring titles, regular playoff appearances, one championship, one trip to Denny's, and one trip to Pizza Hut.

Birth
Jason Konieczka was born December 18 1987, at an undisclosed location in North America. There have been widespread claims of the actual location of his birthplace: ranging from Quebec, Los Angelas, Pittsburgh, El Paso, Panama (which some ppl will say is Central America but Central America isn't a continent so shut up) and Providence, RI. Although the location of his birth is unknown, some details of his birth have been discovered. Jason was born after 5 months, because he didn't have time for that 9 month bullshit. The day he was born there was a thunderstorm, while it was snowing, with a rainbow in the sky, and a high of 77 degrees... Celcius. When he entered this world his father held him, looking at his toothless smile and said "that right there is a hockey player." The doctors then explained to his father that most babies are born without teeth, but Jason's father didn't listen. "No" he said defiantly shoving a mouth guard into his newborn's mouth "no this boy will play hockey." Only 6 hours later, Jason's father had registered him for a deck hockey tournamament. As the newborn entered the deck, barely able to hold the weight of his own head, a buzz came over the crowd. "HEY!! that kid can't play! He's only like a month old!" yelled a spectator. "NO!" exclaimed the senior Konieczka in a thunderous tone "He's only 6 HOURS old." The spectator slumped back in his chair, awaiting the opening faceoff. Jason strolled to center with a smirk. He looked at the opposing center, and with a grin spoke his first words "hey... the first 7459 people to this game get a Ronald Reagan signed action figure. The next 2354 people get a signed 8-track copy of George Michaels "Faith" (the top song in 1987...yeah research that shit) and ALL fans in attendance get to watch me whoop dat ass" The ref dropped the ball to begin the tournament, and Jason went off. He was named tournament MVP with 23 goals and 9 assists, 4 of which were to himself, in 5 games. He also recorded 2 shutouts and had a 1.13 GAA. After the tournament, the spectator that had questioned Jason's age approached him and his father. "Excuse me Mr. Konieczka?" the man timidly croaked. "yes what can i do for you" Papa K responded. "My name is Arthur Tig Lipschitz III, you can call me Ryan Cvejkus for short. I have never seen that kinda talent from a newborn in my entire life, and I'm from Sweden... You know the place with those little red fish? Anyways, I would like to work with your son. I believe with my help he can become one of the best..." "lemme stop you right there" Jason interjected, "I don't need your help bud, I got this I'm not even supposed to be walking and i just dominated these fools" Disappointed, the man turned to leave. "you have the talent, but your attitude will be your downfall... we shall meet again Jason. Together we will do great things." Nitschke scoffed as the man walked away. The idea of needing his help seemed outlandish. With his great talent, so came a great ego. Years down the road Jason and Ryan's paths would cross once more, and it would turn Jason's personal and professional lives around.

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