Phil Spaldwell

I AM PHIL. FEAR MY ROAR.

Dark Origins
Phil was born in a lovely little hamlet outside of East Grinsteadin the United Kingdom. Neglected by his parents, he was forced to teach himself how to use the komode, eat carrots, and go to Sunday School. He also suffered from chronic and severe Cataplexy. Since his parents forgot that he lived in the house, he had to figure out a way to pay for treatment. I think. I don't know if it's treatable but we'll say it is. Phil decided had trouble thinking of a way to fund treatment, so he decided to ask his parents for ideas. "Who are you?" "Why are you in my house?" "I thought we sold you." and "Comedian" were their answers. Comedy became Phil's chief interest and he decided he would try to make a career out of it.

Comedy Circuit
At the tender age of 11, Phil began his campaign to comedy. It was very difficult for him because of his sever cataplexy. Every time he would think something he said was funny, he would fall to the ground which I guess would technically make him funnier but due to the injuries he sustained, he had to train himself to be devoid of emotion. It was a strange experience to see him perform and a lot of people didn't like it. He wouldn't even crack a smile on stage in fear of it escalating to laughter and causing him to collapse.

He had an average audience of about 10 people per show, often times getting booed off of the stage. We all know how those Brits are with their comedy. Imagine a guy like that performing in front of those people. Not cool. Not happy. They wanted him dead. They chased him out of the country. He hopped in a row boat on the english channel and ended up getting lost. Next thing he knew, he was in the middle of the Atlantic ocean.

The Great Journey
1,000 miles out from the shores of London, Phil struggled to survive. Each day was a challenge just to live. However, due to the fact that he was in a rowboat, his arms began to explode with muscle while the rest of his body stayed relatively small. He arrived on the shores of Newfoundland in the summer of 1999 at the tender age of 14. Wet, starving, sad, and alone, Phil began walking southeastward. He collapsed several times along his path due to several bouts of tear-filled fits. Eventually he arrived in Erie, Pennsylvania. He searched around for comedy clubs and got back to work.

Comedic Catastrophe
Phil received a comedy gig in the Erie area one night in October 2009. He did his usual bit, not cracking a smile or laughing, and the night went on. One man was so upset with the show that he lashed out. He began screaming about how much of a failure Phil was. He began hurling shot glasses and beersteins around the room and tied a noose on the I beam, hanging himself in front of Phil. Upon seeing this, Phil passed out eighteen times. He never quite recovered from the incident and retired from the comedy circuit that night.

That Son of a Gun
During the inception of the Sons of Guns, Phil agreed to play in the season. Then he changed his mind. the rest of the story is on the Sons of Guns page. Read it there. Christ.

That's kind of where the story ends.